I wanted to submit this story to the short story contest, but found out that it has to be at least 6 pages in length, and this is 2, so I post it here.
The Day Israel Committed Suicide
By David H. Samuels
It was a soaky, soggy night. Blasting hip-hop music was heard coming from apartment 41a on the 19th floor. The special UN police force broke down the door to see a terrible, shocking sight. The floor was covered in blood wall to wall and whisky bottles and porn mags were strewn about. They approached the body that was lying face down on the floor. As they walked towards it, they noticed open pill bottles scattered around the head, a knife was in one hand, a gun in the other. They turned the body over to see one of the most gruesome sights any had ever seen. There were 17 bullet holes in the chest. The wrists were slashed at least 10 times each. Pills were shoved into the foaming mouth.
The police turned down the music and the forensics department was called in to do their work. After the apartment was thoroughly dusted for fingerprints, the body was carried out.
News of the death of Israel spread throughout the world. No one had ever seen anything like it. It was called the most stubborn suicide in world history. A new term was coined for it: “Suigenocide”. The UN resolved to never let another suigenocide take place again.
Meanwhile the body was still being taken to the hospital by ambulance. In the midst of that 18 minute ride, the paramedics began to see signs of life coming from the mutilated corpse. “Is it possible?” they thought. Indeed, not only did the body start moving, but he even began talking, asking “What happened?” and so forth. The paramedics were stunned. They told the driver to speed up and turned on the siren. When they arrived at Ichilov Hospital the body was rushed in and emergency surgery was begun. Soon they had a stable pulse and other vital signs. In the midst of this a Shabak agent strolled into the operating room and ordered everyone to leave. After the doctors and nurses were forced to exit, the Shabak agent went over to the body and unloaded his pistol into its head. Soon after, the vital signs plummeted to zero.
The results of the investigation began to emerge as quickly as they were suppressed. The fingerprints of Shimon Peres were found on the pistol that was used to shoot the victim 17 times in the chest. Ehud Olmert’s prints were found on the knife. Aharon Barak’s prints were found on the porn mags, but no one could understand the significance of this. The prints of various Erev Rav were found on the pill and whiskey bottles.
Nonetheless, it was declared a national suicide. However, more and more evidence emerged indicating that in fact it was a murder. Therefore, a religious Yemenite youth was taken into custody and charged with the crime. It wasn’t exactly clear how he had anything to do with the murder, but it was said that he was seen near the crime scene on the same day. Disturbing reports began to emerge of a connection he apparently had with radical right wing elements. It was therefore determined that he must have been responsible for the murder. Thus, it was reported in newspapers that his fingerprints were found on the pill and whiskey bottles, the gun, the knife and the porn mags, even though no police reports were produced to support this. All the evidence indicated that there was more than one person involved in the crime. So it was also decided to throw his brother in jail, since he clearly couldn’t have acted alone. They also closed down his mother’s kindergarten for good measure.
It was from then on called an assisted national suicide: “Assisted Suigenocide” for short.
The UN declared 3 days of mourning to mark this international tragedy. The body, according to Jewish custom, was set to be buried the next day.
All the dignitaries of the world came to Israel’s funeral. The Head of the UN gave a speech talking about the contributions of Israel to world history, religion, culture, art and science. President Bush gave a sermon about the sin of assisted suicide and that such things must be prevented in the future, declaring a War Against Assisted Suigenocide. Even Ahmadinejad of Iran admitted that perhaps the Holocaust happened after all, saying it must have been perpetrated by a West Bank settler. Shimon Peres cried his eyes out yelling “Yisrael! Yisrael!” as the body was lowered into the grave. He said Baruch Dayan HaEmet cutting his shirt pocket as he did so. He then said Shehiyanu since he had finally inherited a place amongst the Arab nations and was free.
As the mourners began the burying process by scooping dirt onto the casket, a shocking thing took place. Faint knocking could be heard coming from within the casket. A voice cried from within, “Let me out!” The casket was raised back up and Israel burst force, throwing off the cover. All the dignitaries were shocked. Not only that, this formerly mutilated corpse was now completely healed. “You thought I was dead, but here I am,” he cried out. At that moment, the dignitaries made a frenzied rush towards Israel and choked him, all simultaneously. It was heard from one of the Erev Rav “That’s right, choke him, that’s the only way to kill this one.” In the midst of this strangulation, the Head of the UN gazed at the united hands on the neck of Israel and laughed, saying, “Isn’t it funny…Iran, Palestine and the United States are finally united in something. It looks like the UN was a success after all.” Just then a great deal of bickering emerged from the group strangulation. Each argued about who got to have his hands on the jugular. “Me first,” yelled Mahmud Abbas, “My people suffered most.” Ahmadinejad said, “Me first, we sponsored Palestine throughout their hardships.” President Bush said, “Me first, I sponsored Palestine throughout their hardships. Who gave more, you or me?” And so a fight soon broke out over who got to press the jugular. The dignitaries and Erev Rav killed each other.
THE END
